Things I Did When I Came Out As A Lesbian.

FYI, I did a lot of shit. Are you ready to go for a wild ride?

LESBIAN! LESBIAN! LESBIAN!

“All my lesbian friends say Nyx you might be a lesbian. I say friend, I don’t wanna think about that yet.” - Nyx (before they accepted their lesbianism)

A text I sent way back when I was in denial.

1) Downloaded dating apps!

Hinge and I had a time, okay?

I immediately downloaded Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, HER, & Tami. I would soon find out that dating as a lesbian is not for the weak (hint: lesbophobia).

Hinge was my personal favorite. The profile customization options were incredible to me. As someone who exclusively dates Black people I was thrilled! I had a lot of fun with using prompts such as, “Dating me is like….” And I’d fill the blank with, “Winning a twerking contest!” While I never had any successful relationships from using the app, I did make some friends! I talk at great length about my experience using the Hinge app here.

Tinder and I had a short lived romance. As soon as I saw profiles of what appeared to be heterosexual White women pop up holding signs that say “FUCK ME,” I knew that bots dominated the app. I was a tad bit annoyed… OH and disappointed too.

Bumble’s interface was the least appealing to me. The conversations I had with matches never went anywhere. I also despised how I could never see who liked my profile without paying. How can I pursue someone like that?!

HER was a disaster. On HER, I met two cis bisexual women who unfortunately disappointed me in distinctly different ways. The first bisexual woman I dated on this app ended up love bombing me to the end, stalking me, and texting me from different numbers constantly so I had to block her. One of our first conversations involved her accusing lesbians of invalidating her bisexuality and her saying she is unsure if she is a bisexual or not. When I talked to her about wanting to go on T, instead of encouraging me she advised me to do my research because a friend of her’s got bad acne after going on HRT. Not to mention, she would speak about men in the most egregious ways, emphasizing how unfulfilled she was by dating them. She would constantly speak about her ex boyfriends by name too. It felt as if she thought she had to prove herself to me. I never brought up her bisexuality at all.

Along with that, she’d make excuses to see me at hours that inconvenienced me as a full time student. There was also a time where she cried because she wanted to be with me forever but I said I wasn’t sure. Communicating with her was difficult too, as she’d gaslight me constantly. I will say, our first date was pretty sweet though and it lasted from sun up to sundown.

Peep these red flags? If you ever see these in your “talking stages” RUN!

The second woman I talked to from HER was a bisexual masc who invalidated my lesbianism. She kept asking me if I was interested in a threesome, and had the nerve to ask me if I would have one with a MAN… She was surprisingly very biphobic, and stated that she wouldn’t date a bisexual man because that was “too gay” for her. Not to mention, she would repeatedly misgender me.

I swear I’m not making this up ya’ll. I have found wayyy too many cisgender people on HER that didn’t even understand my gender identity or pronouns. It’s not safe for Black non-binary transmasc stud lesbians in my experience.

Why is Tami bad? For some reason cis het men are on this fucking app even if you say that you’re a lesbian and set your preferences to exclude men. It was very concerning how the same man would try to contact me after I blocked his account several times.

2) Experimented with my own personal style.

Before coming out as a lesbian, I already had mad style but entering dykehood made me 1000x cooler. My durag fit a little better than it did before, the button-ups felt effortless. What can I say? The transition was seamless.

Me in the finger coil phase. A friend of mine would later suggest that I ditch them. They were right.

I desperately wanted to look more masculine, something that I had feared because I allowed my family’s wishes for my future to control me prior to entering university. Accepting myself as a lesbian made everything I desired aesthetically feel so much more attainable. I could in fact be a lesbian boyfriend rockin’ a flannel with layered chains and Doc Martens if I wanted to. And I am.

I could cut my hair as low as I wanted, wear clothes as baggy as I pleased. I never thought of men when getting dressed prior to coming out, but I knew for sure that I never had to consider their eyes for a second. The heteronormative beauty standards that my family attempted to jam into my mind were no longer valid. I was dressing for myself and recognition of other lesbians.

I did worry for a second about my mom finding out I was a lesbian based on my masculine appearance, but my friend reassured me that I would always look like a lesbian because I am a lesbian.

I still struggle with the stares I receive when I step outside, especially when I’m with my girlfriend. I never know if someone is admiring my drip or hating on me.

Still I know I’m fly asf, and a picture of my fine self would last longer. Being gender nonconforming is not for the weak.

3) Made lesbian affirming wallpapers.

The first lesbian themed wallpapers I created.

As someone who grew up with a mom who always hyped up the usage of affirmations, I was inspired to create visual affirmations to promote self-love. The first image you see was my desktop wallpaper and the second image was used as my Safari browser background. I spent a great deal of time assembling images from Pinterest that resonated with me.

I wanted to take back my autonomy, reclaim my identity, and remind myself that I am enough. I finally accepted myself as a lesbian after leaving an abusive relationship that resulted in severe PTSD nightmares. I had known I was a lesbian prior to the abuse I endured, but I had succumb to societal pressures of heterosexuality and fear that I wouldn’t be able to access heaven as a lesbian.

We can talk about my relationship with religion sometime in the future, (know that I do support Black queer womanist theological lenses) but the lesbian affirming wallpapers I created were so essential in normalizing the lesbianism I used to repress. I also made my desktop wallpaper a bit of a vision board/manifestation, using images to highlight personal life goals of mine such as achieving my ideal piercing set up. I intentionally put images of Black people on my wallpaper, because I recognize that Black lesbianism is my experience and I am proud to be both at all times.

As for my Safari browser background, I want to make it clear that I was never fem4fem, but there was no stud4fem or stud4stud wojak drawing I could find to use for my background.

You can see that the word, “lesbian,” is visible in both wallpapers because I see so much importance in emphasizing the word “lesbian.” Lesbophobic society attempts to demonize lesbianism on the daily and I am a firm believer that “lesbian” is not a dirty word. I proudly state that I am a Black lesbian in every room that I walk to, though my appearance makes it obvious. For one, it is liberating and for two, I want to be a visible representation of pride for Black lesbians and for my younger self who couldn’t be this free.

4) Made hella TikToks.

While this TikTok is unpublished, it’s one of my favorite TikTok videos ever. I truly don’t care to explain myself to those who refuse to understand me and this sound encapsulates that.

For my lesbians out here in the world, what did you do when you came out as a lesbian?