“Mama Mia, x-rated, extra hard, extra tight, extra unladylike.” - Mia X
I’ve been trying to build a healthy relationship with my sexuality. To stop rejecting my horniness, to let it consume me for once. I have dealt with the demonization of my sexuality and internalized it. I don’t have to punish myself for having the desire to experience pleasure on my own terms anymore. It’s time for me to break the chains and be confident in who I am. Plus, being horny is powerful AF when you’re in control.
“I used to be scared of the dick, now I throw lips to the shit. Handle it like a real bitch. Heather Hunter, Janet Jacme. Take it in the butt, yah, yazz wha.” - Lil Kim
I talk to my friends (almost) all the time about sex, about the new techniques I’ve learned, the things I find fascinating. I even give tips to some of them. I’m happy to say my advice has actually been helpful.
Whenever I have an intense interest in something I enjoy, I always find ways to excel in it. I guess you can say learning about sex and having sex is one of my passions.
I’m a huge proponent for sex toys, communication, and safe sex. Like Queen Latifah says in Coochie Bang, “Brothers better strap they thang-thang. Ladies, don’t let them in if you don’t have a condom.”
Protection is important for everybody. In fact, I did not know there were so many different forms of protection against STDS. There are internal condoms, external condoms, finger cots, and even dental dams. I know dental dams aren’t used as often, but I’ve tried them a few times and I think they’re pretty good with lube.
Getting tested is also crucial even though it can be scary!
I remember watching AmbersCloset on YouTube often when I was in middle school. One video she made that stood out to me was on “Strap Etiquette.” I thought I should watch it in case I’d have to use a strap one day. I also thought I was straight at the time (feel free to laugh at me). She made queer sex education more accessible to me at the time, and I wished to do the same when I grew up.
Stage 1: Denial is a River in Egypt! Your husband is—
To provide some context, I had never felt any type of sexual attraction until quarantine.
When I first started to feel horny, I felt so strange in my body.
I wanted to get back to the version of my self that was easier to understand. I couldn’t comprehend why I felt sexual arousal and I didn’t have anyone to help me process these feelings.
Prior to quarantine, I had only dreamt of owning and growing a farm with my future wife.
I remember binge watching The L Word and getting excited to see Shane* on screen while simultaneously cringing at how white the show was. I almost didn’t finish watching it because of the caucasity they had. I ended up watching some of The L Word: Generation Q too after I finished the prequel.
*don’t put me on the snow bunny watchlist ya’ll! black queens forever, snow bunnies never.
Opinions on The L Word That Nobody Asked For
I know this is unrelated to the post, but I just want to share some of my opinions of the characters if that’s ok with ya’ll. I really hate how Shane treated Carmen. The daddy issues really got to her I see. Dana and Alice were so cute together. Bette and Tina were toxic. Helena was messy AF. And even though they later apologized for it, they did my man Max dirty.
Despite how white The L Word was (I still can’t believe that Dana thought that Alice wanting to use a strap-on during sex was a bisexual thing), I just had to watch it for the plot. The plot being, “talking, laughing, loving breathing...”
My mom recommended that I watch the show (surprising right?). She also suggested Queer As Folk, but I felt like that was WAYYYY TOOOO WHITE. Also, seeing all these white mfs on tv makes it look like being queer is inherently white but it’s not tf!
Cause we all know about Cleo and Ursula!
Also let me make things clear, I love consuming more black films and tv shows if I can. Pariah is actually one of my favorite movies. It’s relatable on so many levels. I’ll have to talk more about this another time.
The homophobia inside my black household slowly began to overwhelm me and I decided to shut off that part of myself temporarily. I was made to be a cisgender heterosexual black woman against my will or I’d have to suffer.
I was still trying to be “good,” and “pure.” I avoided discussing sex as if it was a monster lurking in the shadows. I try not to blame myself for those things now. I was trying to protect myself from the pain I endured against my will.
All I can do is laugh.
I also grew up in a purity culture where I had to suppress my queerness, my transness, and my desire for pleasure.
Danez Smith’s poem, “Waiting for you to die so I can be myself” really resonates with me now.
I can honestly say that the Christian values I was taught explains why I thought something terrible was happening to me when I had my first orgasm LMAO. It was pleasurable but I thought that I wasn’t supposed to feel good in that way.
I remember during my second orgasm, I tried to say the pledge of allegiance to see if I could still speak normally (I could not). It’s silly to look back on, but I’m proud of the growth that I’ve made within a span of two years.
I would read articles to see if what I was experiencing was normal. The Cosmopolitan was my go-to for a minute but it didn’t last for long. I just wanted to know if I was ok. If I was doing the right thing. But what does it mean to do the right thing and what does that look like?
What I would soon realize is that I don’t need anyone to guide me into exploring my sexuality. I am the only one that can determine when I am ready and what I want to do.
Stage 2: Learning How to Accept Myself
Checking out books at my local library really helped me to process these new feelings I had. The book that peaked my interest the most was Drawn To Sex Vol. 1: The Basics by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan. I think the illustrations are what made the book exciting. Visuals combined with information, helped to get an idea of what things really looked like. I also loved reading Drawn To Sex Vol. 2: Our Bodies and Health.
I learned a lot about sex from this book and continued to do more research using Drawn To Sex Vol. 1: The Basics as the starting point. I thought if I read just about everything there is to know about sex, I would be ready when I finally decided to start doing it. I also thought that if I came with a substantial amount of knowledge no one would have the grounds to criticize me.
I was naive, but also super cautious and careful.
I started following a lot of sex educators on Youtube, Instagram, and Twitter. I admired the ways they committed themselves to normalizing the diverse experiences of sexuality.
Tara Michaela is one of my inspirations. I love that her IG bio says, “Normalize being ran thru” with the relieved face emoji following it.
Ain’t that a word!
One of my mutuals on Twitter told me, “How are you supposed to be lady-like while getting your back blown out?”
Stage 3: A Freak in the Mornin’, A Freak in the Evenin’
So what do I do now in this new place of acceptance? Say how the fuck I feel when I feel like it. Write poems about my coochie for fun. Be patient with myself. Speak life into my existence even when I feel discouraged. Reach out to my friends even when I feel unsure.
I think it’s important to have fun with this life shit. I don’t think I was meant to hide in the background. I’m meant to be supa dupa fly like the butterfly I am.
You know, I don’t mind calling a nigga (gender neutral) daddy if they let me. At first I was ashamed to admit it but fuck it. Maybe one day a nigga could call me daddy if I let them. Smack my ass like a drum too.
“Find your strength in the sound and make your transition.” - Galaxy 2 Galaxy
I think of Trina, Lil’ Kim, La Chat, Gangsta Boo, Foxy Brown, Cupcakke, Vickee Lo, BbyMutha, Supahbadd, LeiKeli47, TWYNN, Janelle Monae, ReUp Reedy, and Megan Thee Stallion. All of these artists have inspired me to be my true authentic self. I love how empowering, unique, and talented they all are.
Music gives me the courage to be free. This year I’ve made a black queer healing and a black queer pride playlist. They’ve both helped me a lot through the challenges I’ve had to overcome.
I’m a self-proclaimed ho, slut, bad bitch, witch, which explains why I can’t help but look good as hell. I got niggas shook, entranced, and well my beauty is like a spell.
I am now entering the summer of sluttiness. Sun’s out buns out! Nyx will evolve and show off their body ody ody ody ody ody ody.